The Invaluable Service of Peer Support for OCD

My partner Sean graduated recently from a program for web development. He and I both took a big risk at the beginning of 2017 by quitting toxic jobs and creating new paths in our careers. I have done this many times in my life and have always been a free-spirit when it comes to change in jobs and careers. I have always bounced back quickly and never regretted those decisions. My attitude is if you are unhappy, change it and something better will come along! I believe that mindset developed in part to the trauma that ensued because of my suffering and battle with OCD at such young age. It has served me well as an adult.

However, that attitude is NOT one that comes easy for Sean. He focuses more on long-term and that is what keeps him comfortable. So, the recent change, while for the better, has been challenging for him in getting comfortable in the uncertainty of when and what the right fit for his next job will be. Being comfortable in uncertainty is not his strong suit, so it makes him feel very stressed!

Since he graduated, I have been trying to support and motivate him the best I know how, but sometimes doesn’t feel so encouraging to him because we have two different outlooks on career. I assure him that it will take time but things will work out. I use my experience and his past experiences as examples of how things have continued to build and work out better because of taking risks. He hears the things I say, but it is hard for him to believe that support and normalization when I am not in the same boat as him.

Yesterday, he was in a more optimistic and relaxed place than he has been in a while and I inquired what had changed. He told me that he met up with a colleague who was experiencing the same frustration and anxiety in regards to job searching and uncertainty. Talking with his colleague helped him feel so much less alone, and less in his head about what he was doing ‘wrong’ vs what is just normal anticipation in such a big transition. He likened it to what I do as a peer support for individuals suffering with OCD. And my eyes completely opened.

Working with a certified, experienced peer support with mental illness is invaluable the same way it turned my partner’s entire outlook around when he conversed with a colleague who could say ‘me too’. Symptoms, stigma, and the emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment accompanying mental illness can be isolating and lonely. There are so many layers of confusion and trauma that build inside of us before, upon diagnosis, and afterward in learning to live under the label of mental illness. Qualified therapists are imperative to navigate the medical symptom management, but so much can be leftover that individuals can’t always process–or don’t necessarily want to process–by themselves, and it can feel confusing on where and who to turn for support.

Stigma keeps many of us from turning to family and friends when we need someone to listen or for support. Mental illness often makes us feel like a burden (even when we aren’t!) and asking for help or to be listened to can solidify that myth. Talking to a therapist is beneficial, but it can feel like something is missing because although they can treat the illness, they have not walked in our shoes. That layer of stigma, shame, and guilt thickens and can become an unhealthy foundation in our emotional recovery.

This is a great place peer support can add a supplemental layer of support and normalization. For me, receiving peer support for the emotional trauma and turmoil of the experiences of my illness was a safe place to land. It rounded out my recovery. I didn’t feel alone in my sadness, anger, and grief. I had read stories of people with my type of OCD, but being able to have someone walk alongside me, listen to my pain, and say ‘me too’ helped me sink into my skin that I had felt so disgusted by for so long. I no longer felt like I had to hate myself, despise what had happened to me, or apologize for who I was. My peers didn’t push me into recovery, they walked down the path with me into it. They made me feel understood, safe, and less like a monster or alien for what I had been through.

The benefits of working with a peer support specialist when living with OCD are immeasurable. OCD is a complex illness with layers of shame, guilt, and doubt. A trained peer support understands how not to exacerbate symptoms or contribute to compulsions while providing a sense of hope because of the similarity of emotion and fears we all experience. OCD is an anxiety disorder, but often gets overwhelmed with emotion and confusion because it is egodystonic. Because we have insight that what we are obsessing about makes no sense and doesn’t align with our character, we tend to see the inability to control it as a reflection of who we are, our strength, and even our intellect. A trained peer support specialist knows how to validate the emotion, normalize the experience, and emphasize the reality of hope while understanding the delicate balance of not worsening the client’s symptoms. This strengthens trust, empowers the client, and encourages them to find the strength inside of themselves to push back on their illness. It also helps them feel like they do not have to travel this journey alone and there is a lifeline in their dark hours.

Last night I thought about what I do in my peer support practice to help others who live with OCD and are working toward recovery. By comparing the two, it completely made sense that even though I knew my attempt at normalizing my partner’s struggle had good intentions, it helped him more to have someone who had been in his shoes give him validation. There is something to be said for all of us by hearing the words ‘me too’. It made me understand his situation more, and then it made me feel grateful I am able to do that very thing with so many individuals living with the tormenting illness of OCD. It always feels less scary knowing we are not alone.

I work with clients worldwide providing peer support for OCD as well as resources and referrals for therapists who treat OCD with evidence-based therapy. My services are ongoing or as needed. The feedback I receive from the individuals I work with is they feel less alone, less terrified about what they have experienced or what they will experience, and more hopeful that even though the road may be long and windy to recovery, they know they do not have to walk it alone. Working with individuals and giving back to them what peer support gave to me has been the biggest honor of my life.

If you are interested in peer support, please visit www.chrissiehodges.com or www.treatmentforocd.com to find out more about my services.

**Disclaimer: Peer Support is not to be used as a replacement for therapy. It is a supplemental service in supporting you before, during, and after treatment for normalization of symptoms and emotional turmoil with mental illness

**If you are looking for peer support and are paying for services, PLEASE ask for proof of certification from your peer support. If an individual is not certified through a state-credentialing body, do not pay for their peer support services. Peer support requires training, supervision, and certification. Individuals claiming to do peer support without these qualifications cannot provide effective peer support and could likely make your symptoms worse.

Thank you,

Chrissie Hodges

Certified Peer Support Specialist; ERP Coach/Effective OCD Treatment; Author ‘Pure OCD: The Invisible side of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder’

I AM a Victim of OCD

Standing in front of the mirror at age 14, I was staring at a face I barely recognized. I thought I knew the eyes looking back at me, but how could they be responsible for such horrible intrusive thoughts? How could they be the reflection of the monster I feel I am because of these unwanted sexual obsessions? If only I could be the person I was before these thoughts showed up. If only I could find that innocent girl who wasn’t tainted by this horrendously torturing misery of a mind. If only I could go back in time. If only…

But then again, six years earlier at age eight I stood in front of that exact mirror staring at a girl I used to know who now looks like a complete stranger. My brain was hijacked by horrible thoughts of uncertainty, fears of vomiting and crippling anxiety. My entire world changed in a split second. Yesterday, I was outside playing with the neighbors on the bike trails. Today, I can’t leave the house I’m so scared. What happened to the Chrissie who existed yesterday? Where did she go? Will she ever come back? Will I ever be that girl again? I’d do anything to have her back…

For 12 years, I continued to long for the day this nightmare would end and the innocent, untainted girl I used to be would reappear. Maybe I’ll wake up, never have these horrible thoughts and feelings again and I can get back to who I was before all this, I hoped.  It never occurred to me that the pre-OCD eight year old girl disappeared forever when this illness showed up. I wrestled with why I couldn’t find her. It wasn’t possible that all I am is what OCD has made me into, was it? It couldn’t be possible that I’ve lost all who I thought I was to this horrible illness, could it?

But for me, it was reality. When OCD took over at age eight, everything I thought I knew for certain about myself, my world, and my reality disappeared. I spent most days trying to survive the symptoms of this illness as I watched the rest of the world pass me by. I felt so jealous of everyone. How could they just live life and not have to deal with a monster inside of them? What did I do to deserve this punishment of a life? Nothing made sense. And I was always tired. I was always scared. I was always lost. I hated who I had to be, but I still had to fight to survive every day. It was a battle that seemed never-ending.

As I went through the twelve years of undiagnosed, tormenting OCD symptoms, it was easy to believe if only I didn’t have to deal with THIS, I could be this wonderful person with a wonderful life. I held the dream of if only these symptoms were gone, I could be the person I always thought I could be who was left behind when OCD showed up.

I got my wish of diminished symptoms when I was diagnosed and treated successfully at age 20. Symptom management began and I was elated to rid myself of that burden. I thought to myself, ‘Now I can begin to live again.’ The day after I graduated ERP therapy, I woke up thinking how life will be great now! But the sun rose the same way it had before. There was no sparkle or glitter greeting me as I opened my door to this new world. I walked down a regular sidewalk to my car, not a red carpet leading me to a new glorious life. I didn’t cross any finish line with a trophy waiting for me. The world looked the same. And I felt disappointed because I still felt the same, only minus the symptoms.

The difficult task ahead of me I wish I had known beforehand was I actually convinced myself the OCD monster had absconded with the old Chrissie and once it was tamed, she would return. But she was nowhere to be found. She was gone. All that remained was the Chrissie I saw in the mirror now. The same Chrissie I saw in the mirror at age eight and 14. I didn’t want HER! She was damaged goods! She had seen, felt, and done things that made her disgusting. I wanted to forget her! But, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I was stuck in this post-OCD skin with no escape. I could never go back to who I was before the OCD monster took over. I couldn’t un-remember all the things that had tortured me. My heart broke in realizing the girl I thought would return to save me from the trauma I had endured didn’t exist anymore. My hopes were dashed.

For years after this realization, I wanted to prove something to OCD. I wanted to prove I could be the same person I was before it changed me. I took the stance of being above any acknowledgment of the emotions tied to OCD. I buried the memories of the 12 year battle I endured. I convinced myself I was stronger than all that! I was better than all that! OCD will NEVER rule me again, why? Because I’m tough and a bad-ass and all I have to do is focus on making a good life now because my life was such shit during the thick of it. I would forget everything I went through and never look back. I’ll prove to OCD, I’ll prove to the WORLD what I went through didn’t change or break me!

But beneath that tough exterior, I felt I was rotting inside. The eight year old Chrissie was screaming to get out. She was begging to be heard. She wanted a voice. She wanted to feel the emotions of sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness. And I ignored her because of pride and fear. I feared what opening up the floodgates of vulnerability and emotion tied to my experience with OCD would look like. I feared looking that eight year old in the face, because I was scared I would find out there was something I did to hurt her, to change her, and to ruin her life.

So by not accepting and admitting in fact I WAS victim to OCD and choosing to ignore the truth, I was actually not validating what I went through at any age. I was trying to pin everything on myself, like it was something I did it on purpose to her, and to myself all through the years. I couldn’t accept I was actually a victim of an illness and all this wasn’t my choice. I knew I needed to, but I just couldn’t face it. I was too afraid of the trauma. It seemed so much easier to blame myself than to think I didn’t have a choice. In hindsight, I was afraid to see what it had actually done to me and who it had turned me into. And that fear was slowly destroying me.

The longer I denied facing the trauma, the unhappier I became. I was still giving OCD power and I didn’t even know it. And one day OCD pounced, again. But this time, she resurfaced. The eight year old Chrissie wouldn’t let me ignore her anymore. And I began writing my novel in the midst of a terrifying relapse to help me remember and believe that I have a real illness and it can be beaten. In her honor, I began with, ‘At age eight…’ And I could feel something inside of me shift. All of the shattered pieces of trauma, the open wounds of grief, and the tattered ropes I held onto in the darkest nights of my shame began to disappear. I began to feel whole. I began to see myself as the victim of a brain disorder I didn’t want or ask for, but that I did my best to survive in the worst and tormenting of times. And by acknowledging the victimization and trauma I experienced, I no longer chose to be the actual victim of it. And I began to heal.

What I didn’t know all those years of searching and grieving the person I believed I had lost to OCD was that recovery from mental illness is fluid. And to experience and advance in recovery, it is imperative for me to be flexible and self-aware. I never knew it was okay to make room for negative emotions. I didn’t know I could stare the painful truths of stigma and shame in the face and not crumble. I mistakenly believed if I allowed myself to grieve in remembering and feeling the difficult times and the painful memories, it meant I was succumbing to being a perpetual victim. But, it was the opposite. By not acknowledging the reality of how and why I developed the illness and the realities of how I was affected before and after treatment, I was denying my right to grieve. I was fueling stigma. In not acknowledging and accepting the reality that I can be weak in the face of this illness, I was also denying my ability to see how strong I could be in my display of resiliency and strength as I faced it.

And so I gave myself permission to grieve. I granted myself the space to feel the emotion. I gave myself the grace to love and accept myself in every stage that I had traveled in my journey with OCD. And I allowed myself to love who I was becoming because of what I had been through, despite how painful that may feel and still sometimes feels.

After allowing myself to grieve the girl I thought I had lost, I could finally look myself in the mirror and see those same eyes staring back at me, knowing they had seen things I never wanted them to, but forgiving myself if I had ever let Chrissie down at any age through the years. I told that eight year old and that 14 year old that we no longer had to wish for things to be different to be better. We could start making them better from this day forward. And that’s what we did.

And we never look back. We only look forward.

 

If you are in need of peer support or resources/referrals for therapists for OCD, please do not hesitate to reach out. For more information on my services, please visit www.chrissiehodges.com or www.treatmentforocd.com.

Recovery is possible for ANYONE with OCD. There is HOPE and you are not alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read,

Chrissie Hodges

OCD Resource Consultant/Peer support specialist; Author ‘Pure OCD: The Invisible Side of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder’; Effective OCD Treatment/ERP Coach

www.chrissiehodges.com   www.treatmentforocd.com

Supplemental Help for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

It is widely known that effective treatment for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder begins and ends with medication and/or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). This is gold-standard, evidence-based treatment that proves to have the most positive effect on managing OCD symptoms long-term. But, what are some other supplemental tools and resources that may help with maintaining recovery with OCD?

Therapeutically, OCD specialists may use a variety of therapies to supplement ERP. Mindfulness is a great tool used in conjunction with ERP. Learning mindfulness techniques can help after treatment to recognize intrusive thoughts and apply ERP techniques to manage symptoms. Therapists may also implement Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). This therapy can be used alongside ERP as well and emphasizes mindfulness techniques in helping to manage intrusive thoughts. While mindfulness, ACT, and other therapies may be used in supplementing treatment for OCD, they are not recommended as solely effective treatment strategies or a replacement for ERP. If you are working with a therapist who is not using ERP therapy, you are wasting time, money, and your symptoms may become worse.

Peer support is an beneficial supplementary service that can be used in all stages of treatment and recovery for OCD. Peer specialists are trained in using their lived experience with mental illness to support individuals who are working toward their own recovery. Peer specialists can also be incredibly effective in helping with the emotional turmoil that can accompany OCD. OCD intrusive thoughts can create negative emotions such as shame, guilt, and embarrassment. While an OCD specialist may be focused on symptom management, a peer specialist can help use their lived experience and mutuality with the often debilitating emotions accompanying OCD to support the individual in treatment.

There are also many secondary fears and urgent questions an individual may experience throughout treatment and even afterward. Common fears include, ‘What if I don’t really have OCD?’, ‘What if these obsessions turn out to be true?’, or ‘What if treatment works for everyone but me?’ Peer specialists can relate by using their experience of working through these fears which helps individuals feel less alone and isolated. Having a peer specialist by your side during therapy can ease the fear and uncertainty of the therapy and the negative emotions as you advance toward recovery. If you are looking for a peer specialist, please make sure they are trained and certified through the state in which they are practicing.

Peer support is designed to be the support you need in between seeing therapists, your psychiatrist, and other mental health professionals. Other tools that can help in real-time struggling would be a newly developed app called nOCD. This is a tool designed to give you real-time support with therapy tools and keeping your recovery on track. Having support from peer support as well as being able to keep track of your therapy successes can absolutely expedite recovery and help you feel less alone in your journey.

There are many other supplementary resources that can help individuals while they work toward recovery with OCD. Success stories and memoirs of individuals living and managing OCD are very helpful. Being able to read about someone who has been successful in what you are struggling with can provide motivation and hope that OCD can be overcome. Support groups in your area or online can be very beneficial as long as they are supporting recovery in a way that leaves you hopeful. It is important to do research on who is leading the support groups. Make sure the moderator is an expert in OCD and/or an individual who has been treated successfully with OCD. Support groups that perpetuate symptoms or loss of hope can be damaging to symptom management.

Websites, blogs, workbooks and books can be helpful as well as long as the content is aligned with evidence-based research and expertise in OCD. There are many self-help sites and individuals who will claim they have a program to ‘cure OCD’ or ‘heal OCD’. If these products or services are not using Exposure Response Prevention therapy and/or associated with an expert in the field who practices ERP, be very cautious in purchasing or engaging in such services.

OCD is a chronic mental illness with no cure, however there is absolutely hope that you do not have to suffer alone and treatment is absolutely effective. ERP therapy can help you get your life back from the overwhelming symptoms of OCD. While supplemental self-help strategies are not recommended as a replacement for ERP therapy, they can be incredible tools to fill in the gaps during therapy.

If you are looking for therapist referrals/resources in your area, or if you are in need of peer support, please contact Chrissie Hodges at ocd.chrissie@gmail.com to schedule a consultation/peer support session. Find out more about Chrissie, her work, and her advocacy at www.chrissiehodges.com. For a great app to help supplement your treatment with OCD, please visit nOCD at http://m.treatmyocd.com/chrissie

There is effective treatment for OCD and it is absolutely possible to live a full, productive, and successful life with OCD. There is Hope.

Thank you,

Chrissie Hodges

Mental Health Advocate/Speaker; Author “Pure OCD: The Invisible Side of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”; Peer Support Specialist & Resource Consultant/Treatment for OCD Consulting; CBT/ERP Coach/Effective OCD Treatment; Colorado Suicide Prevention Commissioner; Crisis Intervention Team Presenter/Denver Sheriff & Police Department\

www.chrissiehodges.com  www.treatmentforocd.com